Feelings and the Story

It seems obvious that feelings are in the body rather than in the head but you wouldn’t think so to hear people. 

‘I feel excluded and that I’m not enough for people. Everyone seems to be getting on with their lives successfully apart from me.’

‘I feel I should be working harder. I keep failing to keep up with my goals and let myself down.’

When we unpick these statements in therapy we often realise that on balance the underlying reality is different to how the person experiences themselves; that in fact they have more friends than they realise, are actually working at over-capacity and need to slow down; that their goals might need readjusting.

So if the truth is different and a person can see that, what are we left with? What is true? The feelings are true. We experience them. It can be very hard to get to that point, however. Often when I talk to people who make these statements, when we strip away the narrative and I ask them ‘what is the feeling’ they don’t know. They actually can’t feel anything. Or maybe they feel a glimpse of something – something painful in their chest, or a stirring in their belly. We give it a little longer and then there’ll be a slight opening: ‘I feel sad and alone’. I ask them where they feel this, they reply: ‘here in my heart space’.

Recently I had to cancel an entire week of work because I was ill. After struggling for a few days, I woke at four in the morning, worrying about how I would say to clients who were themselves struggling with anxiety and challenging feelings; that I couldn’t be there for them. I tried unsuccessfully to calm myself with consoling thoughts such as ‘you can’t help being ill’, and ‘you are only one person’, and ‘things will change. You will get better’. After struggling with this for a while, to no good effect, I finally gave up and found myself also giving in; giving into feeling. And what came up through the whole of my body was an overwhelming feeling of guilt. It was so powerful and I realised that a lot of my own coping strategies in life are about avoiding this incredibly powerful, negative feeling. Once I was able to give not the sense of the feeling in my body, I started to feel a little better: even though it was a deeply uncomfortable feeling, it was moving and I felt less frozen and stuck in my head.

Complex Feelings

One of the difficulties people have when they’re trying to connect with their feelings, is that they are complex: we might be feeling a mix of emotions all at the same time. Work with development in infancy tells us that little children cannot cope with complex feelings. They need an attuned caregiver to be with them, to meet them in this confusing and powerful place, to soothe them so that they know these feelings will pass. The neuroscientist, Allan Schore (Schore 1994) also tells us when we are first born we are at the mercy of the part of the brain called the amygdala which processes base feelings such as fear and a sense that things are not OK. We might postulate that infant’s feelings are not as refined as older children’s and often babies will swing in and out of primary feelings such as love, excitement, fear,  grief;  later they will learn shame, disappointment and sadness but things generally become more complex.

Guilt is a complex feeling born out of shame. We could perhaps talk about guilt as being shame but with thoughts attached.

We could imagine complex feelings as a box of different coloured woollen threads all tangled up together. I have used this as an exercise – eliciting from a client what perhaps they feel in their body at a given moment, and then asking them to choose a colour and to try to disentangle a thread from the others. What are they feeling? As they draw the thread away from the others, they often experience the said feeling moving through their bodies. And then…and then, another feeling emerges. We do the same process again and another feeling emerges. So we may move from anger to sadness to disappointment – all present in the body. The client notices how these feelings move:  we generally say in body psychotherapy that feelings begin as stirrings in the belly, move upwards to be amplified in the chest (heart space), and get expressed through the eyes or mouth. In this exercise the client notices that this can happen all by itself without them having to ‘do’ anything. 

Reaching a feeling

When people realise that it’s the feeling, not the story that matters in starting to feel better they can often become frustrated (another feeling!). What can I do with this feeling? How can I stay in touch with it, rather than going into my head and writing another narrative? Or rushing back into life to repeat the same old avoidance strategies I always get into? When they do start to actually ‘feel’ their feelings they realise they are huge. Often the sense of the feeling extends out from their bodies and fills the space around them. Containing the feeling in the body can seem initially impossible.

The answer is time. It takes time to slow down, notice what you’re feeling in your body and use the breath to regulate the cycle of the feeling. We also need another person – at least to begin with. If early on we realise no-one is there to support us in this we’ll learn strategies to inhibit and control our emotions.

It takes time and the help of others to learn to do things differently.

Sleeplessness – what if no-one’s to blame?

Here’s a new one. How about the idea that there is nothing we can do about insomnia? When I say that I don’t mean it literally, and my intention is not to sound defeatist, but the reality is that, in spite of all the discussion, marketing and wisdom about insomnia, some of us still can’t sleep!

Sleep problems are generally presented as something we should be able to fix. The latest (https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/feb/16/i-look-at-the-clock-its-3am-why-women-cant-sleep) is Mariella Frostrup’s evidently from-the-heart plea to change society for women so they don’t lie awake at night thinking about all the things they have to do. Frostrup presents sleep as a cognitive issue. Change your thought patterns and your insomnia will loosen its grip.

The other thing that’s often said about sleep is that there is an on-off switch. That sounds obviously wrong – but again there is a pervasive notion that if we can switch off our thoughts, then we relax. How about the possibility that even after switching off our thoughts we can’t wind down? Energetically we may still be buzzing: streamings, over-heating, muscle tension, visceral sensations, so much inner activity animating and agitating us in the middle of the night, all refusing the calm of our conscious control. In fact, it could be that it is our embodied, energetic charge that provokes us into conscious ruminations, rather than the other way round.

We could consider the idea that not sleeping is nothing to do with the thinking part of the brain, but the result of deeper, mind-body connections. These can become established in early childhood development. Modern neuroscience (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0sKY86Qmzo) tells us that the frontal lobes, while firing, only come on-line gradually through the first two years of life. Our energetic self-regulation develops in these early years through neural connectivity between the emotional structures in the mid-brain and the body. And that regulation is very much dependent on our how we interact as babies with our parents.

As human beings we work though energetic cycles. An impulse starts, building a charge in us which reaches the top of the curve where it is fully expressed. We follow the curve downwards through the winding down phase to a point of rest at the bottom. Where there is a pause. It is towards the bottom of the curve, that we move towards sleep. If you miss out on the winding down phase you are more likely to bounce up again into activity in the middle of the night.

Parents instinctively understand this about babies – that holding and rocking a child can support the winding down necessary for sleep. Babies need ‘holding’ through all kinds of cycles both energetic and emotional. We cannot regulate our energy and feelings when we are very young. We need the eyes and the central nervous system of another person, to support us in this, so that our own neural pathways can grow and eventually we can do it for ourselves.

As a body psychotherapist, I see the difficulties when there was struggle at this early stage of development. Some clients can’t get up the curve in order to come down again. Others spend all their time at the top, crash down when they’re exhausted only to bounce up again after barely a moment’s rest. As a society we see this as a stress issue but it’s actually a difficulty in self-regulation. I think we all struggle with this to some extent. The point is that it isn’t something we can easily change. It’s very hard-wired in because it developed at a time when there was little connectivity with the frontal lobes. In other words, we can’t ‘think’ our way out of the problem.

It also isn’t our fault.

As a society we eschew sleeping with our children, helping them (and us) to relax through contact. We think that by suppressing babies into sleep, often leaving them alone, we will somehow instil good sleep habits. I’m not sure that works as we are not helping our children to move through their energetic cycles. Young children have to rely on themselves at a time when they’re just not neurologically equipped to do it.  It can also lead to problems later on. A lot of us who were shut down in early life, start to open up in middle age, for instance. We then don’t know how to regulate ourselves as we missed a whole phase of brain development. (that sounds terrifying and I’m over-generalising, but it can particularly affect us around sleep).

There is good news – and that is since the brain is plastic and new neural pathways can be formed all through life, we can gradually attune to our own energetic cycles more successfully. But it does take time.

So, if you’ve tried everything and can’t sleep, relax. It’s probably not your fault. Yes, it’s helpful to wind down if you can. Don’t drink in late evening, use screens or over-stimulate yourself if you can help it. But at the same time, having done all this, you might still not be able to sleep, or still wake up at 3 am and know it’s going to one of those nights. Letting go of the blame, in fact realising this is not something you can control, might even be helpful. Be kind to your bouncing/ needy/frightened/angry infant self. Maybe you don’t need to do anything.  Other than just realise that you’re both in this together.

What do we mean by 'grounding'?

Like Mindfulness, Grounding is the other mental health buzz word we hear an awful lot about at the moment. My therapist’s instincts want to protect the term ‘grounding’ from becoming just another cliché, so I’d like to explore this a little with you:

For me, grounding conjures up:

Rootedness –  as in trees.

Connectedness – as in nature, connecting to our ‘ground’, the earth etc.

Calming down (coming down to earth) – pausing in this place –

Before livening up again and becoming energetic.

Letting this new energy flow upwards inside of us (from the ground).

There is something cyclical about grounding. If we were to talk about it in other terms ie neurological, we could talk about grounding as energy moving in a circuit.

We know how it feels to be ungrounded. When we see it in other people, we tend to view them as not being very well attached to reality, or not living in the real world. When we sense it in ourselves it is slightly different. It is a felt sense of ungroundedness – the words that come to mind are overanxious, spacey, heady, not in our bodies, rushed, frenetic, speedy, dissociated. So, energy is going all over the place – not coming up from the ground and moving in a contained way through our bodies.

How can we stay grounded?

Well, mindfulness can help us stay grounded – this can be very helpful. People have also spoken to me about their own form of grounding: ‘solid and purposeful walking in the woods or through fields; a mindful shower to wash away unwanted energies'….then back in my head to ponder/create/be inspired but in a grounded way’ .

Sometimes these methods help and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes life can just carry us away.

Children are not very grounded. When we’re young we need our parents to help us stay grounded. Babies are completely ungrounded. When we’re babies it is crucial our parents connect with us so that our feelings don’t make us feel out of control (cue screaming baby!). Babies can’t regulate their own feelings, and they need to feel ‘held’ in order to calm down. My sense is that the parent, in ‘holding’ the baby, is completing the circuit, as I’ve described. They are helping the infant calm down, pause, and begin another cycle of expression. They are grounding the baby.

So we can also think about grounding as ‘holding’ .

How can we feel ‘held’ in order to ground ourselves?

If I can’t ‘hold’ myself, I often find others can hold me – partners, friends, even my children (though some people make me feel more ungrounded!).

I also, importantly, see grounding as a form of compassionate holding of ourselves. Can we be our best internal caregiver? Can we ‘hold’ ourselves as we might an over-stimulated child, or even a screaming baby? This takes a lot of internal work – not always to be done alone. Often, working with a therapist can be very helpful here.

But this relationship we have with ourselves is, I believe, the most important thing. Usually we don’t need to do anything. The child, or the infant in us is present as a ‘felt sense’. It is the agitated part of us that we feel can be neither heard nor soothed. Can we just be with this very young part, doing nothing? Hanging out together, getting to know each other a little better. Holding the baby until you both feel calmer? Taking the young child’s hand? There is a part of us that needs calming, but there is also a part of us that calms. There are two of us; there is always more than one thing going on.

Then, when you feel a little more held, you could go for a walk together.

Slowly slowly something shifts. You are back in your body, feeling your ground.